Looking back

So, I had recently resigned from my job (Jan 16, 2010) and I am officially unemployed for a week now. How stupid could that ever be? I quit from my job without nothing to fall back into. I sort of feeling regret that I quit early, I could have waited till the end of the month (that case I'd still be able to get my last salary) or at least find a new job before quitting.

But well I guess I was clouded by my emotions, that I wasn't thinking of the out come. All I knew is that I wanted to get out of there.

I worked as a customer service representative in Dish Network. The longer I stay there the more stressful it gets and the more worn out I become. Plus the fact that I work on grave yard shift (from 10pm to 9am). Plus some other factors that are to personal to mention. Though the wage is something I can not complain about.

I'm a people pleaser. It takes a pound for me to admit that. This is probably the first time I profess such behavior of me.

When I resigned from my job, I did make it a point that I'm in good terms with everyone. I know that some are disappointed, because I had only worked there for 3 months then all of a sudden I'm gonna leave (especially that I had made friends with most of my co-workers). I don't want them to think I just deign to work.

But I don't wanna look back. You make decisions and you don't look back. A thought is just a thought; it can't hurt me. Whenever the thought cross my mind I would shift my attention and occupied myself with other things.

Before when I was way younger I used to have extreme contempt whenever I' m caught up to situations like this . Coz I'm a people pleaser that's why. But now, for all I care. They can think whatever they want to think. I haven't done anything wrong as far as I know. In fact, I had done myself a favor when I resigned from my job.

One thing I like about growing old; bit by bit teenage angst grew less.

Dead Line

It’s probably inappropriate to conclude what has happened this year, even though the year is almost over. But so much has happened. This year a lot of people that I know personally, passed away. I’m unfortunate enough to have witnessed a lot of deaths in my life. I grew up seeing my whole family in great shape. Both my Grandparents from both side of my parents have been a great part of my life. I admit as a child, I used to think that death is like a figment of ones imagination and if it was true, it does not affect everyone. I remember when I was in 1^st grade my classmates used to talk about their grandparents, as to how many grandparents they have left and how it died and other petty stuffs kids talk about. Deep inside as I take part of that conversation, I felt so proud. Proud in a way that death will never hit my family. At least……

It was not later in my 6^th grade that my maternal grandmother died. Then when I was in High School my maternal grandfather died. Then when I was in college 3^rd year I suppose, my paternal grandfather died. It’s like seeing them fall one by one like a soldier gone to war and never came back. When this entire incident happened I felt like death or life in general has some sort of pattern. That in every chapter of my life I would always lost a valuable person. But I guess as you go along you’d realize a lot o things. Like life is all about uncertainty and randomness. Things happen as they happen. There’s no such thing as patterns or a line that needs to be followed. I sure miss them alright. Even until now I still have a clear memory of them in my head. Sometimes when I think about them I would still cry. Oh, how I greatly miss them.

Recently about a couple of weeks ago, our neighbor died after a year of battling from colon cancer. First she was diagnosed of ovarian cancer back in 08, then she became cancer free after half a year of Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. 3 months passed she complaints of passing gas all the time and difficulty removing her bowel. When she had her medical checked up, she was diagnosed of colon cancer. She used to call my mother often and talk about her condition. I felt so sadden about her passing. She was 49 years old, a year older than my mother and her daughter and I were childhood friends. I can’t imagine what is life like without a mother; especially in such a tender age.

When we visited her wake, I felt more depressed seeing her lying in that coffin than seeing my grandparents in their coffins. Maybe it’s because somehow I have this notion that they are old, and that it’s more easier to accept their death.

I find death strange in a way. How it robs you when you’re asleep and how it surprises you when you’re awake. I am not afraid of death, it’s the nature of dying that I’m more afraid of. I know that when I had full field my purpose here on earth my life is over…. ready or not.

I would be very glad to meet our Creator. But for now, I can say that I haven’t yet accomplished that purpose. When the time came that I felt complete inside then I guess I’m close to that.

A messy life

Last night I went to my High School friend Birthday party. That was the first party/socialization I ever went to, for God knows how long. My social life is dead. Not because I’m one of those people that are obsessed with the virtual world. It’s just that there are so many things that are going on with my life right now. So many heart aches, so many frustrations to deal with. But I still do communicate with all of my friends, might it be through text or e-mail, but not to the extent that we see each other.

How ironic it is that they just live near by, yet we don’t see each other that often;

so back to the birthday party. The invitation was short notice. The Birthday party was last night and they invited me that night. I guess she was certain that I could come since my house is just walking distance from her house. At first I was reluctant to come, I was not really in the mood to go out (since when did I had the mood to go out?). After constant persuasion I did eventually come. I felt kinda guilty because every time they would ask me out I always say I’ll pass or maybe next time.

So I came and it turned out great. I met some of my old high school classmates. There was so many things to talk about. What’s going on with our lives and plans for the future. I never felt good in a long time; the way I felt last night. I felt so light…joyful… relieved. I know moment like this doesn’t last. I know that when I come home everything would be back as they are. GLUM.

It amazes me that everything that kills me also soothes me. I guess this is how things work for me. Every time I want something done and I put my mind, heart, soul, into it; it always turns out a fail. But whenever I do things unplanned or things that I’m not into it; it turns out great and I would end up loving it.

Oh life, why is it always hard and everyday is a constant struggle towards a better tomorrow.

White page

The heavy rain outside the window.
The wet and icy cold air. I envy so much that the sky is able to cry.
I'm advancing in solitude. I'd promised myself to win this world for you.
I've forgotten how long ago I last embrace you. I've no time for tears and no leeway for regrets.

Please forgive my persistence. In this world... at least you must try to understand me.
This time... let me wait in the night alone. From now on you'll be my only persistence.
Please don't forsake me Dear Lord. I loath to show you my affections, because I'm ashamed of all my sins. I hope you understand. If enduring much pain is the only way I could get a fraction to get near you. I would silently walk.

Curtain

Lately I've been winning battles left and right.
But even winners get wounded in the fight. People say that I'm amazing; I'm strong beyond my years. But they don't see the enemy staring next to me.

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.

I drop my sword and cry for just a while. Coz deep inside this armor the warrior is the child.

Evolution

Dear Jesus,

If there is one thing that sounds totally ridiculous; it's girls that says will you marry me? and would carelessly throw themselves at someone better looking whom they don't even know personally or some "hot" guy from the movie which they happen to see in person. By the way, "hot" is one word that I appalled. I don’t like how most people use that word and put it out of context.

I understand that Teenage girls now a days re more liberated than we used to before. But geez, for goodness sake where are their brains at? I hope it didn’t went to their behinds. It is very disappointing that most girls are acting promiscuous and floozy. Maybe some girls are acting the same way on the past, but today it’s more of a trend. You hear one story after the other and it’s all the same.

Perhaps you could look down at us and might laugh at how stupid humans can sometimes be.

I think the irony of being a female is the idea that you’ll always have to wait. Wait till something happens, wait till he profess his feelings, wait till someone likes you, wait till someone acknowledge you. Wait…wait…wait…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist. We’re pretty much on the same page. I’m not being insensitive about women’s feelings. I reckon that every girl/woman/lady in the world have some sort of a link to each other; that we feel each others pain. Even a simple story as dysmenorrhea, all women can relate to. Still acting vulgar is one behavior every female should not resort to.

Sincerely,

Jen

Way too hard

Dear Jesus,

This is really something, I have put so much thought on. I have been thinking about this for so many weeks and I just want to get this off my chest. This would probably be the first time I'd talk to you about this (not even my close friends). I've always put my feelings in secrecy. In witch often times people that surrounds me think that I’m fine because I act like everything is alright even though I’m so crushed inside. But I don’t blame them for having such impression towards me.

All the pains and struggles and or happiness I have carried all these years are my own. I can’t show it to the world. I know I’m not perfect, but if there’s one thing in side of me that is pure that’s love. In fact, love is the only thing in this world that is absolute. I can not imagine anybody who can fake love- because if there is, that person is a sham. You know how many times I’ve been hurt and I admit that I have unintentionally hurt 3 people.

I know that you know how sorry I am. I guess there is no polite word to address rejection. Saying NO is already much and it depend how the receiver accepts it. I don’t know if how I would react if someday our path would cross, that would probably be one of the awkward moments. If ever they see me would they acknowledge my presence or would they look away and pretend that I’m a stranger… I really don’t know. I’m glad I don’t see them that much even though we live in one community.

I think it’s really good if you have some sort of foundation with someone. Like being friends rather than mere acquaintance because if for some reason you’re path diverts you tend not talk to each other anymore. It’s always good to have something to fall back into. I hope the number stops there, though I know I don’t control everything. I will try as much as possible to be no longer means of disappointment.

Sincerely,

Jen