Way too hard

Dear Jesus,

This is really something, I have put so much thought on. I have been thinking about this for so many weeks and I just want to get this off my chest. This would probably be the first time I'd talk to you about this (not even my close friends). I've always put my feelings in secrecy. In witch often times people that surrounds me think that I’m fine because I act like everything is alright even though I’m so crushed inside. But I don’t blame them for having such impression towards me.

All the pains and struggles and or happiness I have carried all these years are my own. I can’t show it to the world. I know I’m not perfect, but if there’s one thing in side of me that is pure that’s love. In fact, love is the only thing in this world that is absolute. I can not imagine anybody who can fake love- because if there is, that person is a sham. You know how many times I’ve been hurt and I admit that I have unintentionally hurt 3 people.

I know that you know how sorry I am. I guess there is no polite word to address rejection. Saying NO is already much and it depend how the receiver accepts it. I don’t know if how I would react if someday our path would cross, that would probably be one of the awkward moments. If ever they see me would they acknowledge my presence or would they look away and pretend that I’m a stranger… I really don’t know. I’m glad I don’t see them that much even though we live in one community.

I think it’s really good if you have some sort of foundation with someone. Like being friends rather than mere acquaintance because if for some reason you’re path diverts you tend not talk to each other anymore. It’s always good to have something to fall back into. I hope the number stops there, though I know I don’t control everything. I will try as much as possible to be no longer means of disappointment.

Sincerely,

Jen