Awkward

Dear Jesus,

I went to see my friend Kristine last week and we agreed to meet at the cafe`. We haven't seen each other for a long time, so I was excited to see her. When I get there, I was surprise to see her with Earl another common friend of ours. So, since he is our friend he's presence did not bother me. It was not that long when I realize that there is something going on between them (I notice by the way they look at each other and through simple gestures). Although I heard from the past that they were dating and right then and there I somehow figured out that they are officially together (though Kristine haven't mentioned to me anything about them).

At the middle of the conversation, I asked Earl his number since I lost my old phone and I don't have his number in my new phone. I asked him in the most casual way (like an old friend does). There was no tension involved, I didn't even hesitate to ask. His "girlfriend" even over heard it.

Then he told me in his exact words: My number is not working.

???????

Now, what is that suppose to mean? I don't understand, but I tried to be understanding. So, I did not push it. Maybe he has a reason not to, maybe he's acting this way because he already have a "girlfriend", maybe out of respect to his girlfriend he does not want to be associated with girls. But for Christ sake I'm his friend. I'm no stranger. We even talk to the phone at night, back then and he'd used to ask for my advice about how to approach a girl and how profess you're feelings and stuff. I was not really the type to break up a happy home, that all I'm saying.

Trust me. Getting into a relationship is the least thing of my concern. Alas, our friendship has ended. At least for the time being. No communication, no nothing. I know Earl is a pious person, as I have always known him to be. They both are actually.

I'm pretty sure we'll catch up sometime.

Sincerely,
Jenny

Changes

Its hard for me to confide myself to anybody, unless they tell me more about themselves. Which made me come up with a letter type kind of a blog. Instead of me writing plainly, I think it would be better if I write it in a letter form. So, my succeeding blogs would have a starting line of: Dear Jesus. who else would I freely confide myself more, but to him.

Laceration of Dreams

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When we were kids we used to have so many dreams and it kind of change as we progress. So I have listed my dreams, from the day I gained my consciousness, up till present.

Nun

I so wanted to become a nun when I was in grade school. I recon, this would be the only way I could be closer to God and repay Him, from all my sins. I though, that it would be nice to study God’s life and have a deep understanding of Christianity. Until I learned that, nuns live in a convent and lead a life of seclusion (away from family and friends, plus you don’t get to see them anytime you want). Then I digress from becoming one. I realized that, I could do all these by just becoming an ordinary person.

Priest

This is one of the spur of the moment dream. I was hearing a mass one Sunday morning and the priest (probably in his late 70’s) is delivering the most boring sermon. I can’t even understand what he’s saying coz he’s mumbling he’s words. I felt sorry for him though, I mean he’s too old to still able to hold a mass. How I wanted to take over his place and make the whole Eucharist buoyant. I am aware that there aren’t any FEMALE clergy, but hey! A dream is just a dream until you go for it. I’m not pushing it anyway.

Doctor

Now this is the only dream that hasn’t really changed over the course of time (even until now). The smell of sterility, the color white, and the very idea of being knowledgeable about life (literally) excites me. I love to work in a hospital someday. This is what I’ve seen my self doing in the near future.

Pilot

If aviation school wouldn’t be that frekin expensive, I could have been a pilot by now. I’ve always love the thought of flying.

Singer

Maybe I could still pursue this career someday. This is a God given talent; I can’t just leave it to rot. Though having a career in show business has too many uncertainties. Everything is a risk, being involved in the whole business realm.

Actor

I don’t have any idea why I have included this on the list. I’m not really after with the whole fame thing. As I have always prefer to working behind the limelight. I love how actors inspire people by the characters they portray. I hope someday I could play a role in a movie that would forever inspire people. Like the character Jaime Sullivan, in the movie A WALK TO REMEMBER, Frank Abagnale in the movie CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, Benjamin Button in the movie, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, Jamal Malik in the movie SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, Chris Gardner in the movie THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

Heavy load

I felt like crying today. But I know that I can’t. I have learned how to hold back my tears for so many months now. The truth is that, my feminine sides never really cease to fail. It’s not that I want to be insensitive or something. It’s just hard to keep up with the boys sometimes. My brothers will never understand everything that I’m going through and I don’t expect them to do so. It’s either they’re too young to understand or too stupid not to.
All these time I’m always the one who reach out. I know I have to… they’re my family.

All these thoughts make my head ache and I think I’m going to have a coronary. Whenever I tried to profess my feelings towards things or just a mere thought of opinion, everybody thinks that I’m pulling out a drama queen mode (in which I don’t technically understand).
I’m very much consumed my all these mix emotions that I have. This makes me feel really incongruous inside. Why does it always have to be me?
Me do the laundry…me do the dishes… me MUST know how to cook.
Why is that?
Because I’m a girl??
Since when did gender become an issue when it comes to doing the chores?
I don’t only have to clean my room. I have to clean theirs too. Not because I was asked to, but because I want to. Every time I enter their room it’s always a mess and I can’t stand dirty places so I clean it up for them. How cool is that? See what I’m talking about?
Plus the fact that I always perform the tasks that was not asks of me to do. That kind of adds up to the whole dilemma.

1/8 of worlds pleasure

I unintentionally lost 5lbs in an amazing 4 days. I don't feel good about it. I felt so light... I think I am light. I admit it's my fault though. I barely eat these days. I don't like home cooked meals anymore; it's not nutritious. We barely had vegetables these days. I don't like to eat fried foods and pork as well (the latter doesn't have to do with the current outbreak) it's not nutritious. We barely had vegetables these days. Actually, I just want to pay more attention to my health and give my body a little bit of a favor. I'm gonna go vegan for about a week. Well maybe if I do good then, I could go for another week. Who knows?.
I've put in so much thought about this. I know this is a commitment I should make. In all seriousness I know this is tough for me, since I'm not really used to following a certain course meal. I would usually devour anything that's on the table. I was thinking of visiting my cousin in Hong Kong over the summer. In that case I could force myself in eating healthy foods with no word of protest. Even though majority of the Chinese foods smells like medicine (no offense though). I would be looking forward to eating tofu
and birds nest soup.
Basically it does not depict any taste at all. It seems like you're eating water... tasteless. I don't know how you could imagine eating water. But that's the closest taste I could relate it to. So let the trek begin. I hope I could progress with great sense of conviction.

Comes to a T

For the first time in approximately 16 years, I met Rachel. She was my classmate way back in kindergarten and she’s one of the mean Girls in school. On second thought, she’s the only mean girl that I can think of; that ever existed during my kindergarten days. I was surprise when I saw her, because she hasn’t change a bit. She still looks the same, exactly the way I last saw her 16 years ago, except the fact that she has gained height. Our eyes didn’t meet, but I know she saw me. I didn’t remember her name was Rachel not until I saw her name plate (I kept glancing on her name plate to get a better view of what’s written on it).

I could still remember the precise words she told me- one day during recess. She said: You don’t belong in this school (with matching akimbo position). Reminiscing those moments, it makes me pity her. At a very young age she’s experiencing emotions that are incongruous for a child; self-centered, insecure, brat, angst, jealousy. I was ignorant by all of those perplex emotions. That’s why I pity her because she was robbed by her childhood. A normal child wouldn’t act that way.

But the different between me meeting Rachel today and me meeting Rachel yesterday was that; I now know how to handle my self, I’m not overwhelmed by her very presence neither do I fret. I can look at her straight in to the eye and give her a calm look whilst she still looks mean. I think people who are mean tend to project an unpleasant aura. If somebody is mean to you just because they don’t like you; that is totally dumb and trashy.

It really feels different when somebody from you’re past meets up with you’re present.

Blah...blah...blah...

Boring!! Boring!! Boring!!
One obnoxious holiday coming up. Plus the fact that I've been deprived from using the computer because my freakin brothers are using it. Damn! that WORLD OF WARCRAFT.