Free your mind

I got this question from a certain blog. I find it really interesting. I think people ask a lot of question, but these are questions that are seldom questioned.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

- I would not bother knowing if I don't how old I am. I would probably look at the mirror and say: I think I'm not yet on my 30's.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

- Never trying. Although failing is much more painful, however nothing can be more painful than spending your time contemplating what could have been.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

- This is really though. There are a lot of factors as to why this is happening. Sometimes there are things we do that we don't like because that is best for us or we're trying not to disappoint somebody or maybe we're just afraid of what the out come would be.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

-I always equip myself with doing, let others do the talking.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

-Well, I would want all the loud mouth people and all the narrow minded people and all the self centered people and all the bad people to live in the other side of the planet. So all the good people could live in harmony.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

-A Zoo keeper.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

- I'm not settling for anything I have right now (work and situation wise). I know that my life is a work on progress. I still opt for a better tomorrow.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

- I trust everything to God. Although I sometimes fret about growing old. I know that all of us has a purpose here on earth. Weather I subconsciously fulfilled that or not, it's all up to him.

9. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

- I will politely tell them, that I know the person that they're talking about and I will correct all they're wrong assumptions towards that person.

10. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

- I suck at giving advices, but here it goes. Watch what grownups are doing and learn from their mistakes.

11. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

- I always trust my first instinct and what I mean of first instinct; it seldom change.

12. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

- Let's accept the fact that, there are other people that sucks the happiness out of others because they lead a miserable life and they want you to have one as well.

13. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?

- Financial issue.

14. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

- Joyful simpleton

15. Why are you, you?

-Because this is what makes me, me.

Money!!

Oh money, the life giving juice of society!
It brings us its blessings of every variety
It softens the blows that lifetime delivers,
it favors the brave and it crowns achievers.

It render us free from oppression by jerks,
From mocking, and put downs, and scolding and smirks.
It let us but tickets and travel way
From where we're not not welcome but are forced to just stay.

From creditor's letters and big ugly burbs,
From all that don't matter, from stuff that disturbs,
To wide sandy beaches and azure blue waters,
Away from the smoke of ten million motors.

With money it all starts to fall into place.
No longer respect is what you have to chase.
It follows you like an afternoon shadow
Thank money, it makes you a prince from a pad ow.

With money, all people will treat you much better,
As you are no longer society's debtor.
Sweet smiles on you they will now bestow,
Obsequious look in their eyes then will glow.

And women for getting your age and your weight,
Your looks and your height and your bald, shining pate,
For in their minds, you are now a star.

Oh, how pathetic society is!
A "Miss" is now where there used to be "Ms."
For quickly they learned that you've got all this dough,
and then they appear from above and below.

From freedom, for joy and enjoyment of senses,
Don't waste precious time chasing empty luscious green money
And soon you'll be hugging a cute Playboy bunny.

As long as you are here on our green Earth,
And want to be living in freedom and mirth,
Devote your existence to dollar and pound
For cash makes the world goes smoothly round.

Looking back

So, I had recently resigned from my job (Jan 16, 2010) and I am officially unemployed for a week now. How stupid could that ever be? I quit from my job without nothing to fall back into. I sort of feeling regret that I quit early, I could have waited till the end of the month (that case I'd still be able to get my last salary) or at least find a new job before quitting.

But well I guess I was clouded by my emotions, that I wasn't thinking of the out come. All I knew is that I wanted to get out of there.

I worked as a customer service representative in Dish Network. The longer I stay there the more stressful it gets and the more worn out I become. Plus the fact that I work on grave yard shift (from 10pm to 9am). Plus some other factors that are to personal to mention. Though the wage is something I can not complain about.

I'm a people pleaser. It takes a pound for me to admit that. This is probably the first time I profess such behavior of me.

When I resigned from my job, I did make it a point that I'm in good terms with everyone. I know that some are disappointed, because I had only worked there for 3 months then all of a sudden I'm gonna leave (especially that I had made friends with most of my co-workers). I don't want them to think I just deign to work.

But I don't wanna look back. You make decisions and you don't look back. A thought is just a thought; it can't hurt me. Whenever the thought cross my mind I would shift my attention and occupied myself with other things.

Before when I was way younger I used to have extreme contempt whenever I' m caught up to situations like this . Coz I'm a people pleaser that's why. But now, for all I care. They can think whatever they want to think. I haven't done anything wrong as far as I know. In fact, I had done myself a favor when I resigned from my job.

One thing I like about growing old; bit by bit teenage angst grew less.

Dead Line

It’s probably inappropriate to conclude what has happened this year, even though the year is almost over. But so much has happened. This year a lot of people that I know personally, passed away. I’m unfortunate enough to have witnessed a lot of deaths in my life. I grew up seeing my whole family in great shape. Both my Grandparents from both side of my parents have been a great part of my life. I admit as a child, I used to think that death is like a figment of ones imagination and if it was true, it does not affect everyone. I remember when I was in 1^st grade my classmates used to talk about their grandparents, as to how many grandparents they have left and how it died and other petty stuffs kids talk about. Deep inside as I take part of that conversation, I felt so proud. Proud in a way that death will never hit my family. At least……

It was not later in my 6^th grade that my maternal grandmother died. Then when I was in High School my maternal grandfather died. Then when I was in college 3^rd year I suppose, my paternal grandfather died. It’s like seeing them fall one by one like a soldier gone to war and never came back. When this entire incident happened I felt like death or life in general has some sort of pattern. That in every chapter of my life I would always lost a valuable person. But I guess as you go along you’d realize a lot o things. Like life is all about uncertainty and randomness. Things happen as they happen. There’s no such thing as patterns or a line that needs to be followed. I sure miss them alright. Even until now I still have a clear memory of them in my head. Sometimes when I think about them I would still cry. Oh, how I greatly miss them.

Recently about a couple of weeks ago, our neighbor died after a year of battling from colon cancer. First she was diagnosed of ovarian cancer back in 08, then she became cancer free after half a year of Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. 3 months passed she complaints of passing gas all the time and difficulty removing her bowel. When she had her medical checked up, she was diagnosed of colon cancer. She used to call my mother often and talk about her condition. I felt so sadden about her passing. She was 49 years old, a year older than my mother and her daughter and I were childhood friends. I can’t imagine what is life like without a mother; especially in such a tender age.

When we visited her wake, I felt more depressed seeing her lying in that coffin than seeing my grandparents in their coffins. Maybe it’s because somehow I have this notion that they are old, and that it’s more easier to accept their death.

I find death strange in a way. How it robs you when you’re asleep and how it surprises you when you’re awake. I am not afraid of death, it’s the nature of dying that I’m more afraid of. I know that when I had full field my purpose here on earth my life is over…. ready or not.

I would be very glad to meet our Creator. But for now, I can say that I haven’t yet accomplished that purpose. When the time came that I felt complete inside then I guess I’m close to that.

A messy life

Last night I went to my High School friend Birthday party. That was the first party/socialization I ever went to, for God knows how long. My social life is dead. Not because I’m one of those people that are obsessed with the virtual world. It’s just that there are so many things that are going on with my life right now. So many heart aches, so many frustrations to deal with. But I still do communicate with all of my friends, might it be through text or e-mail, but not to the extent that we see each other.

How ironic it is that they just live near by, yet we don’t see each other that often;

so back to the birthday party. The invitation was short notice. The Birthday party was last night and they invited me that night. I guess she was certain that I could come since my house is just walking distance from her house. At first I was reluctant to come, I was not really in the mood to go out (since when did I had the mood to go out?). After constant persuasion I did eventually come. I felt kinda guilty because every time they would ask me out I always say I’ll pass or maybe next time.

So I came and it turned out great. I met some of my old high school classmates. There was so many things to talk about. What’s going on with our lives and plans for the future. I never felt good in a long time; the way I felt last night. I felt so light…joyful… relieved. I know moment like this doesn’t last. I know that when I come home everything would be back as they are. GLUM.

It amazes me that everything that kills me also soothes me. I guess this is how things work for me. Every time I want something done and I put my mind, heart, soul, into it; it always turns out a fail. But whenever I do things unplanned or things that I’m not into it; it turns out great and I would end up loving it.

Oh life, why is it always hard and everyday is a constant struggle towards a better tomorrow.

White page

The heavy rain outside the window.
The wet and icy cold air. I envy so much that the sky is able to cry.
I'm advancing in solitude. I'd promised myself to win this world for you.
I've forgotten how long ago I last embrace you. I've no time for tears and no leeway for regrets.

Please forgive my persistence. In this world... at least you must try to understand me.
This time... let me wait in the night alone. From now on you'll be my only persistence.
Please don't forsake me Dear Lord. I loath to show you my affections, because I'm ashamed of all my sins. I hope you understand. If enduring much pain is the only way I could get a fraction to get near you. I would silently walk.

Curtain

Lately I've been winning battles left and right.
But even winners get wounded in the fight. People say that I'm amazing; I'm strong beyond my years. But they don't see the enemy staring next to me.

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.

I drop my sword and cry for just a while. Coz deep inside this armor the warrior is the child.