I unintentionally lost 5lbs in an amazing 4 days. I don't feel good about it. I felt so light... I think I am light. I admit it's my fault though. I barely eat these days. I don't like home cooked meals anymore; it's not nutritious. We barely had vegetables these days. I don't like to eat fried foods and pork as well (the latter doesn't have to do with the current outbreak) it's not nutritious. We barely had vegetables these days. Actually, I just want to pay more attention to my health and give my body a little bit of a favor. I'm gonna go vegan for about a week. Well maybe if I do good then, I could go for another week. Who knows?. I've put in so much thought about this. I know this is a commitment I should make. In all seriousness I know this is tough for me, since I'm not really used to following a certain course meal. I would usually devour anything that's on the table. I was thinking of visiting my cousin in Hong Kong over the summer. In that case I could force myself in eating healthy foods with no word of protest. Even though majority of the Chinese foods smells like medicine (no offense though). I would be looking forward to eating tofu and birds nest soup. Basically it does not depict any taste at all. It seems like you're eating water... tasteless. I don't know how you could imagine eating water. But that's the closest taste I could relate it to. So let the trek begin. I hope I could progress with great sense of conviction.
For the first time in approximately 16 years, I met Rachel. She was my classmate way back in kindergarten and she’s one of the mean Girls in school. On second thought, she’s the only mean girl that I can think of; that ever existed during my kindergarten days. I was surprise when I saw her, because she hasn’t change a bit. She still looks the same, exactly the way I last saw her 16 years ago, except the fact that she has gained height. Our eyes didn’t meet, but I know she saw me. I didn’t remember her name was Rachel not until I saw her name plate (I kept glancing on her name plate to get a better view of what’s written on it).
I could still remember the precise words she told me- one day during recess. She said: You don’t belong in this school (with matching akimbo position). Reminiscing those moments, it makes me pity her. At a very young age she’s experiencing emotions that are incongruous for a child; self-centered, insecure, brat, angst, jealousy. I was ignorant by all of those perplex emotions. That’s why I pity her because she was robbed by her childhood. A normal child wouldn’t act that way.
But the different between me meeting Rachel today and me meeting Rachel yesterday was that; I now know how to handle my self, I’m not overwhelmed by her very presence neither do I fret. I can look at her straight in to the eye and give her a calm look whilst she still looks mean. I think people who are mean tend to project an unpleasant aura. If somebody is mean to you just because they don’t like you; that is totally dumb and trashy.
It really feels different when somebody from you’re past meets up with you’re present.
Boring!! Boring!! Boring!! One obnoxious holiday coming up. Plus the fact that I've been deprived from using the computer because my freakin brothers are using it. Damn! that WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Time really flies so fast, and it seems like the progress that I made is in slow motion. It seems like I have almost everything, but it's the feeling that there's something missing. Seriously, I don't know if there's something wrong with me. As each day pass I felt like my soul is being crushed. I know everything happens in God's time. I know that there's something in store for me in the future... something good... something better. I wish God will mend all the agony in no time, because I can't live another month like this.
It's torturing me. I know I have sinned a lot and all that sins pilling up makes everything much worse. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere and think over things; and have a close encounter with God. I've read in a certain book that says: Praying is the way of talking to God. While yoga is the way to listen. I've been considering this for a long time. I just don't know where to begin and how to begin. I think it's great to hear what God thinks about me. Maybe He's tired of letting me do all the talking. It would be grand to hear Him even just for once. There's no opinion that matters to me, than Him.
I've always been fascinated with the boys/men world. Growing up as a kid, it has always been me and my brother. He's one year ahead of me and I didn't had a hard time keeping up. We used to play with our cousins (whom are also males) during weekends. I has grown side by side with toys that are played by little boys, e.g Lego, robots, toy guns, action figures. The usual toys that were played during the 80's & 90's. I was never introduced to the world of dolls. I didn't even had a lot of stuff toys. I own a couple but that was it. My mom used to by me those tea cup set, which I am not fond of. Only because of one reason: I ain't got nobody to play with me with those kinda toys. I remember the first & the last time my father bought me a Barbe doll. During that time my 1st younger brother was already born. I think he was 3 or 4 back then. I left him in my room just to get something and when I came back, the doll's body parts were scattered on the floor. The only thing left was the doll's head attached to its body. When I came back and saw the mayhem that happened to the doll, I didn't feel anything. It was sort of mundane feeling. I was like: oh! ok. Looking back as a grown person now; most little girls would be totally upset... but not me.
Moving on...
During that time, I could say that I really become comfortable with the things around me. Even though there's an absence of feminine touch, I never had any identity crisis neither a desire to be somebody I'm not.
The fact that they are the only creatures that can do foolishness and still be able to wing it, and when there is a dispute; in most cases they just settle it right then and there. Which is different in the girls world, because everything has got to be tricky. When it comes to clothing, they just put on their shirt & jeans and they're good to go. There is nothing more convenient than that. Plus they still manage to look good on simple things they put on. I felt sick seeing girls on their make up. I would totally understand if it's part of their job requirement or their going to a prom or something. But if you're going to school with you're make up on, that's really sick(I don't want to think that you only go to school to impress people with you're looks). The thing is, beauty should be effortless. Emotion wise, male's are not showy. A lot of times they are not emotional. I haven't seen a man cry over petty stuffs. In which I learn how to become one. To take control of you're emotions and not let it interfere with you're decisions.
I just finished reading a book in titled TO KILL A MOCKING by Harper Lee. It has occurred to me that if every single person in this world would have only 1 teacher his/her whole life, I want Mr. Atticus Finch to be my teacher. I have never encountered such a character as Mr. Finch.
Now I'm caught up buying between Art of War by Sun Tzu or Animal Farm by George Orwell. I had heard a lot about this book when I was in High school, but I just didn't had the chance to own a copy. Every time I go to a book store I always end up buying a different book; the one that I'm not thinking of buying. But I hope this time I would be firm on sticking on my book list.
I felt the urgency to leave this place, I've actually considered that many years ago. But I think now is the right time to do it. I am in the brink of facing another chapter of my life and I'm not getting any younger. I've been here long for as long as I can remember and I don't want to stuck here my whole life. It occurred to me that starting is more easier than getting out and that's the whole point of all this.
There's nothing left here for me. As soon as I'm done with college, I'll be out of here. My life here totally sucks, it has been a constant repetition and I think I will lead a dreary life if I still linger.
I just wanted to see a different shade of the sun. But I know that, I shall not hurry things up. It's all in God's time.
