Rain makes everything better

I love cloudy mornings and the slow anticipation that buildings are gray. The hint and the whisper of thunder and the lightnings that crawls over my skin like an itch. 

I always feel my best when its raining outside. 

There's something about the way the street looks when it just rained seems like the street looks less crowded. 

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am sorry for being so near yet so far, sorry for pushing you away in my thoughts. For 2 years that I have been away, my mind has been clouded with mundane things around me.

Preoccupied by so many thoughts; I trusted no one else but me. Like a tree standing all alone in the middle of the desert. I have all the support system I need but I still fail to recognize that as a blessing from you.

I apologize for being so insensitive now. I guess this is what 2 years of being abroad (all alone) has made me become.

My soul has been numb by all the suffering and tolerance for all these years.

For trying to understand and adding insurmountable amount of patience… to humans… and to life itself…

Please harbor me in your loving arms again and never let me astray.

I humbly ask through Jesus name.

Eyes... eyes...eyes

I'm just an average man, with an average life.
I work from 9 to 5, Hey hell I pay the price!!
All I want is to be left alone, in my average home.
But why do I always feel like I'm in the twilight zone and I always feel like somebody's watching me.
And I have no privacy!!!
Tell me, is it just a dream?
When I come home at night.
I lock the door real tight. People call me on the phone-I'm trying to avoid.
Can the people on the TV see me or am I just paranoid?
When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair!

Coz I might open my eyes and find SOMEONE standing there.
People say I'm crazy, just a little touch.
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much.

 

Just  when I thought opened my heart to somebody and then BAM!!! The next ting I know he’s leaving on a 4 hours plane flight back to his country. Although I saw it coming since the beginning I allow myself to venture on this emotional investment. I know he’s not staying for long, but still I pursued. I don’t mean to conclude my current situation to the whole human race.  But if there is one thing that amazes me to all of humanity, its the fact that sometimes we already know the jeopardy of the whole situation yet we still move forward. Like a child being warned a million times by the effects of drugs yet still chooses to try. 

But that is more than I can bear. Long distance relationships never works and it will never will be. Those who succeeded were the ones who withstand the test of time and the ones who has managed to have a sense of conviction to themselves.

It has been 4 weeks since he left. I don’t understand why I keep track of the days. It doesn’t do me any good. It only reminds me of the empty days.  

!@#$%^&^&

Waking up at random hours in the middle of the night. Sleep at 10PM, up at 3AM. Logged in at FACEBOOK just to check if some friends are online or if there are interesting wall post I can read. Only to realize its freakin 3:00 in the morning. Now its 12:45 AM and I just woke up from a roughly 4 hour sleep. Then I would have to wait for the time my mind to feel sleepy again and my body would just religiously retire to bed. For the time being I would find ways to amuse myself. Sometimes by eating, but mostly by surfing the net. I always struggle my way through the night. If only people can see what's inside of me, then perhaps they would have a different notion of me.

Funnel

For some reason I presumed I’ve gone crazy or maybe I am. I hoped so, at leased somehow I know that there is something wrong with me. I experienced extreme sadness and happiness in one day (I had never experienced this before). Oh, boy have I gone Bipolar? One time I was at the restaurant and I saw somebody whom I felt have known from before. This happened to me several times. Different places, different time, different scenario. All gave me the feeling of gush. I met this guy from South Korea a month ago and the first time I saw him, I suddenly felt that I’ve seen him before. Alright stop right there. This guy is from South Korea and it’s the first time that he’s been here in my City and more vaguely my Region. There is no way I’ve seen this man before, neither have I been to his country either. Oh my, what is wrong with me? Am I a precog or something? What the heck!!! This is complete asinine (please excuse the language) I don’t know I just don’t know…what’s going on with me now. Will somebody smack me in the head and tell me to go to a mental institution. I would really appreciate it.

It's getting cold

It is so hard to hold on to something that you know you don’t have any future with and don’t have any past nor any present. This is exactly how I felt now. There was this guy at the camp (it was actually a 8 days survival training camp) that I like and today is our 6th day on training. Which is actually ridiculous because I got only 2 days left to see him. I didn’t realize that I liked him until yesterday, guess it was to late. I don’t know, maybe its better this way. After 2 days I would not be seeing him and this hole thing that I felt would just completely fade. This morning when I arrived at the usual meeting place I was the one who made the first move. I smiled and greeted him and which was reciprocated; I felt good about that. I thought that simple gesture would served as an ice breaker, but I was very wrong. Lunch passed and still no single word from him until 3 PM that we were about to be dismissed still nothing. In a greater sense I always try to understand men. I know that most of them are shy when it comes to situations like this. But I don’t know this one, I don’t have any clue. Sometimes during lectures I would caught him looking at me or there are times that I was the one looking at him. There would be instances that our eyes would meet and I would be the first one to look away. Geez, I just hate this!!! I hate the fact his clouding up my mind and I can’t think clearly. This is one of the reasons why I always follow my logical thoughts rather than what my heart tells me. I have a sound mind than a sound heart. That’s just how things work for me.